101 Alternative Edwards
by curlyhairedcrazygirl
Summary: Say it. Out Loud. Say it!" "Vampire"... but what if Edward wasn't a vampire. what if he was a VEGAN, a NUDE, or even FAT? Here are 101 alternative Edwards. Twilight as you've never seen it before...
1. The Vegan

A Little Random Note from the Author…

This is truly random, makes fun of most stereotypes and probably will offend you in some way. Sorry. Hopefully you'll also like it. If you have any suggestions please review with them. Also review if you don't like, then I know what to change.

(Bella and Edward standing in the forest just like the scene in the film. But… Bella is in pizza delivery uniform)

Bella stares at Edward although seeing him for the first time. She turns to him and says slowly,

"I know what you are."

Edward has hatred and regret in his eyes,

"Say it, say it out loud."

She turns to him, and with all the dignity she can manage dressed in pizza delivery uniform replies,

"Vegan."

Edward is shocked and turns on her, no longer suppressing his anger, turning all his rage on her in that one moment,

"Is that obvious?"

Bella looks up and down his skinny frame, pale pallid skin, shrunken height and general ill health,

"Err, yes"

Edward feels beaten, unhappy, but driven by an uncontrollable desire,

"I want your pizzas Bella I want them more than I've ever wanted anyone else's,"

He turns away and starts to walk off.

"The cheese smells so delicious, so tempting,"

"It's not safe for you to be with me anymore,"

Bella battles with her emotions for a minute, then says,

"If that's what you want."


	2. The Nude

A Random Little Note from the Author

Thank you!!! I've never had so many reviews all at once. Enjoy this one

Edward POV

She had me. There was no escape. How was I going to explain this to her. She could reveal me to the world for what I was. She stands in front of me now with accusing yet questioning eyes.

"I know what you are."

She could be bluffing. I decide to play it cool and intimidate her.

"Say it, say it aloud."

That came out harsher than I meant. She looks really scared of me, but she's about to speak again. My palms sweat; has she guessed correctly?

"Nude."

Ah, she had it in one. She had guessed my secret. How did she know?

"Is that obvious."

She looks up and down me once, and I see the flaw in my concealment plan. By being a nude I wear no clothes. Not something you can hide.

"Err, yes"

Damn, my cover (or should I say lack of cover) was blown.


	3. The Transvestite

Edward and Bella walked out of class together. Bella was acting strangely and turned away, quickly walking into the woods. With a worried look on his face Edward followed her.

Bella stood with her back to Edward, who slowly approached her. Tentatively she said,

"I know what you are."

Edwards face hardened and he said,

"Say it. Out loud. Say it!"

Bella seemed to weaken and replied,

"Transvestite."

Edward finally realised that this is the end of his life in Forks and acknowledged his defeat.

"Are you afraid?"

Bella paused and thought for a moment.

"NO"

"You should be Bella; I want your make up more than I've wanted any girls before. It calls me and it is so hard to resist."

Bella turned, paused again and finally shrugged then said,

"At least I know what to get you for your birthday."


	4. The Ghost

A Random Little Note from the Author

This one isn't meant to be funny (just warning you). Sorry I haven't updated for so long, two reasons, one my computer spazzed up, and two my life is OTT busy. Any improvements e.t.c I could make please review. Still enjoy!

Bella's POV

I knew I had to get away from him, now I knew his secret. The secret nobody knew except me. How he could be beautiful, impossibly quick and strong. I knew. I walked away from school, away from him.

I walked through the woods, not thinking about where I was going. The light didn't shine through the leaves here in rainy Forks. Instead the forest was filled with an eerie creeping mist chilling me to my bones. At least it wasn't raining. If I'd not been so anxious to get away, perhaps, it could have been beautiful. Not today.

Suddenly, I stopped. I became aware of another present amongst the trees with me. I knew it was him. Who else would follow me? I didn't turn around but I shouted in to the space,

"I know what you are."

I feel him draw nearer as he digests my words. When he could be almost touching me he to speaks,

"Say it. Out loud. Say it!"

Now was my moment. Even though I was scared half out my wits, I could still admire his beautiful, careful words, so reminiscent of the early 20th century. Slowly I turn to face him, letting all the hurt and mistrust show in my eyes.

"Ghost."

I saw it all in those next few seconds, the struggles, the hardships, the secrecy, fall away leaving him to stand there, so confused. I wanted to comfort him, to help him understand that I wouldn't tell. But I too, stood there tongue-tied. I had considered all the possibilities, and this one made the most sense, and now I knew I was right. I looked at him, as he stood before me, in all his inhuman glory and knew even though he was inhuman, I was not afraid.

Before I could tell him any of this, I watched, as he seemed to fade away. I screamed then not knowing what was happening. Then I realised. He hadn't known. Now he knew he was dead, he was dead. Gone forever.


	5. Michael Jackson

A Random Little Note from the Author

At the time of writing, I have just learnt that Michael Jackson has died :( Enjoy this one, and please if you have any ideas, review and tell me!!!(I've got to about 35) For you Michael Jackson RIP

(Bella and Edward standing in the forest just like the scene in the film.)

Bella turns to Edward

"Your skin is impossibly pale… I know what you are."

Edward turns towards her, in full knowledge that what she says decides his future.

"Say it, Out loud. Say it!"

Bella then speaks those fateful words.

"Michael Jackson."

Edward takes off his sunglasses, and says,

"_It's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the dark  
Under the moonlight, you see a sight that almost stops your heart  
You try to scream but terror takes the sound before you make it  
You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes  
You're paralyzed"_

He continues,

_"Cause this is thriller, thriller night  
And no one's gonna save you from the beast about strike  
You know it's thriller, thriller night  
You're fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight"_

He sings much of the song but finishes with the verses,

_"Darkness falls across the land  
The midnight hour is close at hand  
Creatures crawl in search of blood  
To terrorize y'alls neighbourhood"_

"And though you fight to stay alive  
Your body starts to shiver  
For no mere mortal can resist  
The evil of the thriller"

Then he asks Bella,

"Are you afraid?"

And she replies,

"I'm more afraid of the evil of the thriller than you!"

And that is why Michael Jackson is completely innocent of any allegations in the last few years, because he was in Forks with Bella!


	6. The Distinguished Gentleman

A Random Little Note from the Author

This one is the first of the very offensive and stereotypical ones. Sorry. Ideas always welcome, don't worry if I don't put them in straight away, I have a list (not a long enough list, unfortunately)

_Edward's Diary_

Dear Diary,

Today one has witnessed the most startling chain of events, and one's cover has been blown. The pretty fine young lady, who sits next to one in Biology studies, has deduced my true identity.

She accosted one in the woods yesterday afternoon, and one was worried that she may want an invitation to the hideously vulgar, and garish ball they call the 'prom'. Of course one had no intentions of ever letting her, a low class peasant, come with a distinguished gentleman such as myself. But this wasn't her intention after all, and after much melodramatic lines she finally told one that one was 'posh'.

One politely asked her to define the meaning of such a slang word and she burst out laughing. At this point one decided that it would be best to leave, because as my mother used to say, 'If you lie down with dogs, you're bound to get fleas'

What a disastrous calamity. One's life will never be the same again. How can one go on, when everyone around one, knows that one is better than them. Actually, maybe it's not such a catastrophe. Perhaps now, the lowly peasants that live around here will learn to give one proper respect. Yes it is fabulous. Simply wonderful. One shall now rule over my subjects most graciously.

_Next Day_

Dear Diary,

There has been an unfortunate occurrence. When one tried to establish one's rule one was received with much rudeness, and even had dirt thrown at one. One has decided to establish one's rule elsewhere.


	7. The Goth

A Random Little Note from the Author

Thank you everyone!!! Love you all for reviewing and for the great ideas. This one is dedicated to LilMissJules, as it was her idea.

I am now promising to you that I will try to update at least twice a week, unless I'm on holiday, in which case I shall tell you. I have been very bad and erratic recently (mainly down to a school play) but if I have time in the holidays I have no excuse. You are my witnesses.

Bella POV

I remember the day I approached him well. It had been a normal day at school. For everybody apart from me. I could not sit still knowing that across from me was a freak of nature. A creature unnaturally pale who traditionally dresses in black.

Finally it was lunchtime. I was impatient to tell him my findings. Tell him was probably a loose term, yell at him and scream, probably closer. I ran into the forest knowing that he would follow me. He did.

"I know what you are"

My words echoed around the empty silent place.

I heard him draw nearer as his footsteps squelched in the mud. The mud that was everywhere, here in rainy Forks.

"Say it. Out loud. Say it"

Ok, I thought, this is getting a bit out of proportion. I'm only going to tell him an idea I have. No need to be melodramatic.

"Goth"

There was a moment of silence then he replied,

"Was that obvious?"

I have to admit it. I kind of lost it a bit here. He was being so dramatic. And now he wanted to know whether it was obvious that he was a Goth. Something about the impossible coloured hair, reluctance to come out in sunshine and pale skin might have given him away.

"What are you, an imbecile as well? Of course you're a Goth you're even paler than me, and you never ever go out in the sun. What a stupid question…"

I continued in this manner for some time, and when I turned around he was gone. Ugh, he gave me the creeps. I would much rather have to go to the prom with Mike Newton than repeat that experience.


	8. Spongebob

A Random Little Note from the Author

I love everybody who reads this (and especially those who review *hint hint*) Thank you for your fab ideas and thanks to you and my friends (maths lessons can be useful) my list now totals 86 out of 101!!! I'm now a happy person. Because I'm now so happy this ones just fun (or strange depending on how you look at it). This one is donated to Crazy girls for suggesting it.

Bella walked into the forest her brown eyes blazing. What choice did Edward have knowing that he had caused her to feel that way. He had to follow her.

And follow her he did. Follow her into the gloomy forest, the forest of which some locals still believed housed the supernatural. Bella stopped, suddenly aware of Edwards's presence.

"I know what you are"

Edward hoped with all his heart that she was wrong. If she was right he prayed that she had not found out about his family.

"Say it. Out loud. Say it!"

He felt the strength seep from his body, as though he was being wrung out, as she delivered her verdict.

"You're Spongebob"

His last remnants of resolve left him and he fell to the floor. She continued,

"You're bright yellow, impossibly square. And, and… Alice is Sandy! Of course… how did I miss it? Jasper is Squidward. Emmett he's, he's… Patrick. Of course now it's all so obvious."

But Edward just gave a faint moan from the floor.


	9. Robert Pattinson

A Random Little Note from the Author

Thank you for all the nice things you are saying – I'm glad you like it!!! I think I may have been a little bit high when I was writing the last one, my friend had given Kendal mint cake (a type of energy food – do they have it in America?) and for whatever reason it gave me the high two hours later. Anyway I'm slightly saner now. Only slightly.

Bella POV

Oh my God, I saw him. Him. The lad every girl in my year back in Phoenix had been drooling over. And he was here in the back of beyond called Forks.

I had to talk to him. How could I have missed this, when I've sat next to him for weeks, even months? I had to talk to him. He did seem to have noticed me, which I'm sure is a good thing.

I can't get this round my head, I'm going to bunk off this afternoon, and just sit in those woods and think. I knew his face of course, but he wears his hair different, I couldn't tell who he was. He uses a different name now, Edward Cullen. Honestly, I'm so dim I've had him on my screen saver for years. Only I did sort of recognise him, I just couldn't place the face. That's why I googled him to see if I could find out. And there it was, in black and white.

Hold on a minute, he's following me. He's here in the forest too. Oh well, I might as well tell him who he is.

"I know who you are."

I haven't turned to face him yet but I can feel the tension rolling off him in waves.

"Say it. Out loud. Say it!"

He actually sounds really angry. Maybe this is his life now, his life here. Maybe I shouldn't spoil it. Too late now.

"Robert Pattinson."

He gave a sharp intake of breath,

"Please don't say a word; if you do our whole family will have to leave. I can't face that, not again."

I don't think I will tell anyone, though. It would be wrong to ruin someone else's life just so I could say I sat next to Robert Pattinson in Biology. It's going to be hard to keep a secret like this.

"That's fine, I won't tell. But, but… can I have your autograph."

"Fine." he said.


	10. The Robot

A Random Little Note from the Author

Thank you all I love getting reviews, it makes me feel good!!! I'm sorry for not updating sooner, but I've just got the music for Bella's Lullaby, on piano! I don't play that well, but it's getting there. I've worked out that if I keep getting this number of reviews I'll have over 1000 when it's finished! In a good mood today. This one dedicated to theonlywhitegirl, for the idea.

Edward's POV

_Walking into school building._

_Seeing many humans. No interaction required._

_Approaching canteen._

_Target spotted._

_File check:_

_Isabella Swan_

_17 years old_

_Clumsy and slow_

_Not dangerous._

_No threat._

_Target noticed EC108 _***(meaning Edward Cullen, 108 years old) **

_Appears hostile._

_Must risk assess target again._

_Follow target._

_Target entering forest._

_Target speaks:_

"_I know what you are."_

_EC108 recognises danger._

_Target has uncovered secrecy._

_Must scare target._

"_Say it. Out loud. Say it."_

_Target is stressed._

_Appears unsure_

_Maybe no threat._

"_Robot."_

_Target is huge threat to security._

_Must get out of area._

_Must attack target._

_Must use Spontaneous Combustion._

_Commencing Spontaneous Combustion._

_10,_

_9,_

_8,_

_7,_

_6,_

_5,_

_4,_

_3,_

_2,_

_1…_

BOOM. Bella looked around at the empty blackened space where Edward Cullen had once been. How was she going to explain this to the other Cullens?


	11. The Paparazzi

A Random Little Note from the Author

Thank you all for reviewing I love you for it. I need just a few more ideas and my list is complete. This one is donated to BewaretheOrangeShadows for suggesting it.

Bella POV

I remember the day I first saw him, as he walked into the canteen. His picturesque family – I knew there kind, they were here for me. And when he tried to hide from me in Biology it only confirmed my fears. Before I knew it my face would be splashed across all the tabloids, and trashy magazines of the world, in the most embarrassing situations. Gym. He was of the worst kind. The most evil kind. The paparazzi.

I knew I could not stay away from him for long. I had to escape. If I did not my cover would be blown yet again and I would have to move from my relatively happy life in Forks. For I was famous, but I was clumsy.

My plan was to leave at lunch. To run through the woods (hopefully without falling over) leading to the back of my house. Then to leave in a cab so nobody would recognise my truck.

He foiled this of course.

As I started to run in to the woods, he followed anticipating my move. I called out into the small clearing,

"I know what you are. You're impossibly fast, and you never miss a thing."

He replied in a cold hard voice, braced for his defeat,

"Say it. Out loud. Say it."

"Paparazzi."

"Are you afraid?" he asked me.

"Yes." I replied, "I'm more afraid of being shown in Gym than I am of anything else."


	12. You're Fat

A Random Little Note from the Author

I hope you enjoy this one. Just five more ideas people. FIVE MORE!!! Then I can use the best one. This one is donated to _MyBoyfriendEdwardSparkles_ for suggesting it, but also to _Alice is my bestest fwend_ for being the 101st reviewer (even though they didn't like it). Sorry if some of the ones in the middle aren't as good, but I want to leave some good ones for the end. This one is quite short but enjoy…

(That familiar scene in the film, everything as it should be. But… Bella is holding a bag of groceries rather protectively)

Bella turns to Edward, a hundred accusations in her eyes. As she looked at the hideous creature before she summed up the courage to tell him.

"You're impossibly slow, and large. Your skin is always covered in food and..."

Edward spoke with his mouth full. "Say it. Out loud. Say it"

Bella wanted to apologise, but that would show weakness. And this was tough love…

"You're fat."

He unwrapped a chocolate bar. "And are you afraid?"

Bella clutched her shopping bag closer to her. "I'm only afraid for my groceries!"


	13. The Statue

A Random Little Note from the Author

I'm a happy person because I have LOTS of reviews!!! I'll be an even happier person if there was even more reviews… Thank you for all your fab ideas, especially those who write them out – keep them coming. *Special note to Ivy and May – I saw your review for Flames and Fires's story (need I say more?) Did you know this is the first story she gave a positive review to?* For everyone else who probably doesn't have a clue what on earth I'm on about enjoy!!!

Bella's POV

Argh! Why was he so silent? I'd dragged him here so I could talk to him alone, and now he wouldn't even answer me. He stood before me, in all his glory, pale skin, a perfectly sculpted face – truly an angel. I tried to tell him once again, to get through his stony glare.

"I know what you are."

Still no answer, from the god that does not sink to speak with mere mortals.

"You're skin is impossibly hard, pale, and so very, very, cold. You can stiller than anyone, and sometimes it feels like you could be a hundred years old. You're a statue."

But alas, the great being did not seem to hear. As I sighed, I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Charlie, probably worried about where I'd been. But that was not the case,

"Err, Bells… Why have you taken down a statue… and why are you shouting at it?"


	14. Exotic Dancer

A Random Little Note from the Author...

Thank you for the explosion of reviews I've had. I'm on holiday now, but have access to a computer – some updating but not as often. This one is for Flames and Fires, for suggesting it.

(Bella and Edward are standing alone in the woods. But... Edward is wearing suspiciously tight clothing)

The mist rolled around the empty forest. Deserted but for two figures. One a truly beautiful boy, the other an ordinary girl. The girl turns to the boy, and almost pleading she says,

"I know what you are."

The perfect boy looks up at her, golden eyes full of fear,

"Say it. Out loud. Say it!"

And then she speaks the words, the words that shall end his alternate life.

"I was talking to Jacob, who lives over in La Push... and he says you go there... often. And then I looked on the internet, and it convinced me. You're a stripper."

The boy knew the truth of her words, there could be no denying them. He did visit, La Push, the club was there. There was just one matter of clarification,

"I think you'll find the correct term is exotic dancer."

He turned away, his tight buttocks shown to perfection by the tight, shiny black lycra.


	15. The Clown

**A Random Little Note from the Author**

Sorry for not updating sooner, I've been on holiday (am writing this at my Grandma's). This one is for SnogginNoggin for suggesting and part writing it. (If SnogginNoggin is reading this, can they PM me because I haven't a clue what the first part of their reviews about. Thank you)

(Bella and Edward are standing as in the film. But… Edward looks rather different.)

Bella had always feared clowns, ever since Renee first took her to the circus. Their freakish makeup and over colorful clothes… Ugh. Now this one, Edward, just wouldn't leave her alone."I know what you are. You are my worst nightmare. The monster of my childhood. The one thing I truly feared."

The reply was barely more than a whisper. "Say it. Out loud. Say it."

"Bella sucked in a deep breath, moisture welling in the corner of her eyes, "Clown."

Edward honked his bulbous red nose, "Are you afraid?"

"YES!" Bella cried as she fled in the opposite direction.

And Edward was left alone, as his tears making streaks in his thick make up mask.


	16. The Phobic

A Random Little Note from the Author

Thank you for being so patient. I had a fab time on holiday (we went to Menorca, have any of you been?) but couldn't update. Hope you enjoy this one, the names of phobias are actually correct.

Edwards POV

Oh my God what's she doing here? I don't like it, I don't. I hardly know her and now she's in my secret place. This is my place, she's invading it. I need to calm down. Even though she is here.

She's talking now…God help me,

"I know what you are."

What's she going to say? What am I? What have I done? She's waiting for me to speak,

"Say it. Out Loud. Say it!"

I can't believe I actually managed to get any words out. She's going to say it now she is, she is, she is…

"Well you're a Heliophobic, Gynophobic, Didaskaleinophobic, Sitiophobic and Hydrophobic."

I must look confused because now she's explaining,

"Heliophobia, fear of sunlight – you never go out on sunny days. Gynophobia, fear of women – you never talk to any of the girls. Didaskaleinophobia, fear of school – you're always ditching. Finally, Sitiophobia and Hydrophobia, fears of eating and drinking – I've never seen you do either."

So that's what's wrong with me. All my shrinks couldn't work it out. She should so be a psychiatrist.


	17. Ronald Mcdonald

A Random Little Note from the Author

Sorry for being such a pain and not updating, we went back to school this week so have spent most evenings completely exhausted. I won't be updating as often for the next few weeks, but I'll make sure there's at least one a week. This kinda follows on from the clown one, hope you enjoy it.

Bella's POV

I know he'll follow me. I know he'll be with me soon. I found out his true identity, the one he's hidden from everyone.

I always knew he was something special. Everyone knew that he was a clown. But I thought he was something more. And now I had my chance. My chance to reveal him to the world for what he really is. He's here now. I can feel it.

I call into the darkness,

"I know what you are."

He hears I know he does, and replies,

"Say it. Out loud. Say it."

And I say it.

"Ronald McDonald."

The most famous clown in the world, known for his pale skin, and reddish hair. Here. And before I could stop myself, my vegetarian principles got the better of me…

"How can you stand there like you haven't caused the destruction of masses of rainforest, millions of people's lively hoods, and murdering millions of innocent animals, only to contribute to obesity…"

But he was gone, and only a greasy trail left any sign of him.


	18. Voldemort

A Random Little Note from the Author

I'm so sorry guys… 101 kind of became 17. I'd really like to finish this story, and for the next few weeks I'll really try to write regularly. Forgive a 2 year abandonment? Right Harry Potters awesome so…

Bella turned to face the strangely pale being standing before her. He looked like no other human she had ever set eyes on, his features so distinctive from the mere human. The heavy forest surrounded them on all sides, it shadowy weight pressing down on the pair as they prepared for this greatest confrontation.

"I know what you are." said Bella her eyes trained firmly on the floor.

"Say it. Out loud." he replied his voice escaping in a sinister hiss, "Say it!"

Bella took a moment to collect her feelings, knowing full well what would come, what it would mean. She took a shaky breath, collected her looked up right into the others narrow eyes.

That hated, feared name. "Voldemort." She spat, "You are Voldemort. You're pale, you're unnatural, but once handsome, you know everything, humans move away from you. But what really gave it away… You have no nose."

Her final words awakened an anger in Voldemort that he had never known. "Filthy muggle" he cried raising his wand to utter the fatal words.

"AVARDA-" Yet before he could finish, someone else began to walk through the trees, and delivered an impressive stunning spell to the back. As he slumped to the ground Bella regarded her mysterious saviour. He gave a somewhat awkward wave "Hello" he said "I'm Neville. Neville Longbottom"


	19. Transformer

A Random Little Note From The Author

Yeah, I wouldn't expect regular updates from me at the moment _. Please review; it does definitely encourage me to write. But hey here you go anyway:

(Bella POV)

I'd got it. Finally I knew why Edward had the strangest way of acting. How he could switch from being the perfect friendly gentleman into a cold heartless beast. Why he'd never looked quite human, why he never ate, why he wasn't interested in girls. He was starting to suspect me, so when I turned and walked slowly into the woods he followed.

Perfect.

Now was the time to tell him. To expose him for what he is. I stopped in a small clearing, knowing he was directly behind me.

"I know what you are." I sighed, without turning round.

"Say it. Out loud." He said quite stiffly, almost robotically, "Say it!"

"Transformer." I said with confidence in my voice, "You change so quickly it's unnatural. You drive at ridiculous speeds, never eat a thing, and show no interest in girls. You must be the next generation of transformers, designed to resemble humans as well as vehicles"

I turned around wanting to see his reaction to my revelation, but all that was left were tyre tracks in the soft earth and a faint smell of petrol in the air.


End file.
